Feelings, woe woe woe feelings,

THEY SUCK!!! of course the good feelings I shall gladly keep.  However, sorrow and all your smarmy friends are no longer welcome.  HMMPH!!
One of the blogs I follow got a surprise BFP, I am so happy for her.  God is so good to all of us.  I've experienced those previously mentioned not so good feelings.  But somehow I keep trudging along.  In all of our blogs we are at different stages of our process. That is why it is so helpful for me to read them.  Good things are coming for all of us in 2011!!  I am sure of it. And I am seldom wrong, if I do say so myself! Lots of love and laughter to all of you.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?!?!

Before you get angry at me friends, I do not begrudge anyone a healthy, safe, happy, relationship.  I am GENUINELY happy for you.  But I get on here to see how everyone's day went, de-lurk for someone who needs some encouragement, a virtual hug per se. 
I had a really great day.  But, ladies my DH was not as wonderful as your DH apparently is ALWAYS.  He totally crapped, took a dump on, you know what I really want to write (but some of you don't have a potty mouth and I respect you).  I can't freakin' believe it.  Y'all know I have been in a funk lately.  He took it and crapped all over it to the point of attacking my self esteem.  Lucky everyone else I guess....

Acknowledging Feelings / Stop Pretending Like It's OK,

Looking around in my own world and some of yours I realized that I am not the only one forced to act like nothing is wrong (esp. during the Holidays).  This behavior has led me deeper into the darkness by making someone else feel better.  I'm going to pretend you haven't talked about me/hurt my feelings/or (your comment here).  Why are your feelings more important than mine?

Oh and don't forget...

to add these two most important: the constant day-day worry of my businesses and that my DH is sometimes an AH.

This is not a T.V. show,

so my probs are not resolved in a neat 1/2 hr period with commercial breaks.  I keep thinking of what are the things I can change. Attitude is at the forefront but like I've told u I am not a confrontational person and cussin everyone out (which I'd love to do and often dream about) isn't an option. So I've started a list (I heart lists) of tasks, communications, spells, u name it, that I will add to throughout the day.  While I have been silent, not commenting (sorry) or posting, I still hurt.  Any ideas u have are well appreciated and welcomed. I know I can't be the only person who wants their life to be better, so even if it is something u haven't done tell me anyway, it may help me.  Please.  OK, GreenS, so here goes some of the issues that twist my heart : my dad dying alone, my mom dying in my arms, the loss of my son and the lack of support to this day for him and my two misc,  my eldest doesn't seem like she "needs" me anymore, the complex relationship with moms and daughters (even if u don't have babies yet tell me how u and ur mom deal), I am only talking to a third of my family,  I need a fantastic pro-bono attorney for a difficult case if u r one or know one let me know, am I even worthy to deserve better?, the longing for another child and the pain that my body is failing me which turns into I am a horrible person.  I don't want this post any longer so I'll stop here.  Any thoughts would be much appreciated.  These are just the tip of the iceberg and the issues I thought were more common and maybe u dealt with them and could shed some light. Thanx.

Not Quite A Conclusion, But A Start

An old friend told me yesterday that I only get this one life,only I can change things. I've shared with u the resulting pain/turmoil/grief that I have been going through and no, I don't try to be cryptic, whatever the sources, the end result is still the same hurt.  I may not know your whole story but I can still empathize.  So today I thought about how I can make things better.  GS, I've been considering ur advice on using this blog as a sounding board and fully expressing my feelings but I'm not quite ready for a great big reveal IRL. I love u guys but unfortunately none of u live here.  So I'm picking up my stake in the ground and again moving it.  The procrastination project will be done, I have 3 dr appts (yes, in the midst of this DH is his usual baby wanting self ), a research project, business, and everyday life- u eva notice that people continue to live while u lay under ur covers too?  So no big ah ha moment for me, just an old friend reminding me that I can't stay stuck here so I will at least try to improve things.
I haven't been part of this blogging community long.  When I had my two misc and when my son ( u know what, I just don't want to write that word) I wasn't aware of much support options. That being said on most of the blogs I read frequently there have been a lot of BFP's and adoptions.  I'm really happy for all of them.  But my heart hurts for all those still waiting and those who are in such despair that they have given up.  I also am sad for the couples who aren't making it thru this struggle. I will pray that at least tonight all of u will have peace and a restfull sleep. 'Til next time.

Emotions

When I began the procrastination project I had all good intentions.  Then I got side-lined.  I know I am not the only one who has ever felt like this. I don't want to have these emotions go on 4ever.  Yes, I know that from the storm comes the rainbow,  u only get what u can handle (no one has called to ask the limit, they just keep piling shit on), yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.  Yes I pray, I can only imagine the state of things if I didn't!(no offense to non-Christians) But all these self help gurus are making money telling me that somehow my negative thoughts/energy/bad bowels/experience with my parents-old lovers-friends-DH-kids-cat-work/bad time management/funky repro system/(add yours here) are making me sad/unmotivated and I am the only one who can change things. DUH. Now tell me how to do that since I can't go around town telling everyone EXACTLY how I feel about them and risk being called the crazy crying lady.  I honestly don't know what to do...commence crying.