Self-Preservation

I can be really supportive to others but I am really hard on myself.  I'm just Ms. Gloom&Doom when it comes to me.  I can feel like shit but offer you unending kindness and help. But me, I go over why the situation occurred, how I could be to blame, what an awful person I am , you get the drift.  I need to find a way to allow myself a safe, soft rejuvinating space where I can take care of myself the way I would do for someone else experiencing all this grief, loss, fear, and pain.

What to do...

This morning I intended to post on how my procrastination project was going but now I am completely siderailed.  I just received a distressing update on a matter I will eventually discuss here.  Just please keep me in your thoughts. 

No More Procrastination

I'm going to be really productive in the upcoming weeks. Maybe by writing it down and putting it out there I'll stick to it. I have a huge to-do list and will complete it. It covers so many areas of my life. I will be better and those around me will definitely benefit.  I will keep u updated on my progress(I know u can't wait!)ha ha. I am also considering ICLW since I read and comment on your blogs anyway.  On a side note, the deacon from my church called. Is that a sign he read my last posts?lol

Big Chucky

I am in so much pain.  My tummy seems to enjoy reminding me there is no baby in there.  Upside? Really great pain meds! So excuse me in advance if this post has no real direction.  Someone I know is due/may have delivered.  I am angry that it's her and since I really don't like her wish she has the most painful delivery since Eve. It's my blog, I can be honest here. Before anyone sends me a comment, it's not about the baby.  She is a 100% honest to God HOMEWRECKER and I can't deal with her so may her chucky become like the humongous empty pit her soul is. And to anyone else who knows someone like this I'm taking a silent moment to grumble for you.
       I've been working and trying to hold my emotions at bay.  Sometimes others' joy is infectious, sometimes their joy is too much for me. I hope u can understand.

Just me venting...

I try to be a "good Christian" but I am far from perfect. I do have girls that make me insanely happy but I won't be posting too much about them here so I don't hurt anyone's feelings because I honestly support and love all of you ttc. Just like having a baby after a loss does not heal a loss (my son can't be replaced) my desire to have another child comes from a place in my heart filled with love.  I hurt and feel like my body has betrayed me.  My neighbor could care less and drops them out like tic-tacs (there's my good Christian stock dropping!) There is a 5 year gap between my youngest and the middle and my youngest is 9. Yes, DH is spiritual and believes it will happen, as a nurse I am conflicted because I know medically how it can realistically be accomplished.  Most of my family doesn't understand. Just like they pretend my 3 losses never happened.  DH gets me excited when AF is late and then I feel like I let him down, while Ms Tic-Tac stays home all day having babies by different daddies and watching tv or sittin on her step feeding the newborn I'm afraid to hold cuz I won't want to give her back while yellin at her other kids for leaning on her back to give her a hug while she's sitting there ( true story). PHEW! They're not lettin' me in the church this Sunday....

Remembrance Day

There isn't too much I really can say, WITHOUT crying.  I don't mean to discourage anyone with a recent loss but my son would have been a teenager and I still feel as if it was an hour ago that I had no choice in the matter. OOOOHHH I JUST WANNA YELL AND SCREAM GIVE HIM BACK, YOU'RE LYING, HE IS ALIVE YOU TOOK HIM,  JUST GIVE HIM BACK!!!!! I am sorry if you're upset but my baby is dead and I just want him back.

Where do I go from here...

It always happens like this for some reason.  Everything is going really well and then nada.  I've been going through the whole gamut of emotions. I want to always better the relationship I have with my girls.  I love them infinity times 100!!  Having another child and the emotions that go along with it for me fear, anxiety, longing and on and on don't get easier.  Would I want to do it as a single parent?  Do I have the time to devote and care for him/her because I have never been comfortable about daycare.  Running my businesses means the buck stops here.  That's how I feel about me being a mom, the buck stops here.  I am not going to want to have a babysitter.  Waiting and watching my lady parts not cooperating and eventually not having a glimmer of hope is also not an option.  That's for anyone who says work some more then have a baby, like it's that simple. Decisions that I do not take lightly. Sorry for   rambling.. U hang in there to.  Hugs and Kisses.

This can't only be a ttc blog..

....because my life is so much more than that right now for me.  I would love, love, love another little one. But with my businesses and the fact the DH is far from being darling and right now I'm gonna have to research how to see who's viewing this blog eventually.  I feel so alone for various reasons and hopefully I'll get one supportive commenter that will go along with me.  I want to share and be completely honest.  Anything else, what would be the point.  Stay tuned viewers.   To all those in the tww this cycle, I'm thinking of all of you and pray for a joyous outcome.