Feelings, woe woe woe feelings,

THEY SUCK!!! of course the good feelings I shall gladly keep.  However, sorrow and all your smarmy friends are no longer welcome.  HMMPH!!
One of the blogs I follow got a surprise BFP, I am so happy for her.  God is so good to all of us.  I've experienced those previously mentioned not so good feelings.  But somehow I keep trudging along.  In all of our blogs we are at different stages of our process. That is why it is so helpful for me to read them.  Good things are coming for all of us in 2011!!  I am sure of it. And I am seldom wrong, if I do say so myself! Lots of love and laughter to all of you.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?!?!

Before you get angry at me friends, I do not begrudge anyone a healthy, safe, happy, relationship.  I am GENUINELY happy for you.  But I get on here to see how everyone's day went, de-lurk for someone who needs some encouragement, a virtual hug per se. 
I had a really great day.  But, ladies my DH was not as wonderful as your DH apparently is ALWAYS.  He totally crapped, took a dump on, you know what I really want to write (but some of you don't have a potty mouth and I respect you).  I can't freakin' believe it.  Y'all know I have been in a funk lately.  He took it and crapped all over it to the point of attacking my self esteem.  Lucky everyone else I guess....

Acknowledging Feelings / Stop Pretending Like It's OK,

Looking around in my own world and some of yours I realized that I am not the only one forced to act like nothing is wrong (esp. during the Holidays).  This behavior has led me deeper into the darkness by making someone else feel better.  I'm going to pretend you haven't talked about me/hurt my feelings/or (your comment here).  Why are your feelings more important than mine?

Oh and don't forget...

to add these two most important: the constant day-day worry of my businesses and that my DH is sometimes an AH.

This is not a T.V. show,

so my probs are not resolved in a neat 1/2 hr period with commercial breaks.  I keep thinking of what are the things I can change. Attitude is at the forefront but like I've told u I am not a confrontational person and cussin everyone out (which I'd love to do and often dream about) isn't an option. So I've started a list (I heart lists) of tasks, communications, spells, u name it, that I will add to throughout the day.  While I have been silent, not commenting (sorry) or posting, I still hurt.  Any ideas u have are well appreciated and welcomed. I know I can't be the only person who wants their life to be better, so even if it is something u haven't done tell me anyway, it may help me.  Please.  OK, GreenS, so here goes some of the issues that twist my heart : my dad dying alone, my mom dying in my arms, the loss of my son and the lack of support to this day for him and my two misc,  my eldest doesn't seem like she "needs" me anymore, the complex relationship with moms and daughters (even if u don't have babies yet tell me how u and ur mom deal), I am only talking to a third of my family,  I need a fantastic pro-bono attorney for a difficult case if u r one or know one let me know, am I even worthy to deserve better?, the longing for another child and the pain that my body is failing me which turns into I am a horrible person.  I don't want this post any longer so I'll stop here.  Any thoughts would be much appreciated.  These are just the tip of the iceberg and the issues I thought were more common and maybe u dealt with them and could shed some light. Thanx.

Not Quite A Conclusion, But A Start

An old friend told me yesterday that I only get this one life,only I can change things. I've shared with u the resulting pain/turmoil/grief that I have been going through and no, I don't try to be cryptic, whatever the sources, the end result is still the same hurt.  I may not know your whole story but I can still empathize.  So today I thought about how I can make things better.  GS, I've been considering ur advice on using this blog as a sounding board and fully expressing my feelings but I'm not quite ready for a great big reveal IRL. I love u guys but unfortunately none of u live here.  So I'm picking up my stake in the ground and again moving it.  The procrastination project will be done, I have 3 dr appts (yes, in the midst of this DH is his usual baby wanting self ), a research project, business, and everyday life- u eva notice that people continue to live while u lay under ur covers too?  So no big ah ha moment for me, just an old friend reminding me that I can't stay stuck here so I will at least try to improve things.
I haven't been part of this blogging community long.  When I had my two misc and when my son ( u know what, I just don't want to write that word) I wasn't aware of much support options. That being said on most of the blogs I read frequently there have been a lot of BFP's and adoptions.  I'm really happy for all of them.  But my heart hurts for all those still waiting and those who are in such despair that they have given up.  I also am sad for the couples who aren't making it thru this struggle. I will pray that at least tonight all of u will have peace and a restfull sleep. 'Til next time.

Emotions

When I began the procrastination project I had all good intentions.  Then I got side-lined.  I know I am not the only one who has ever felt like this. I don't want to have these emotions go on 4ever.  Yes, I know that from the storm comes the rainbow,  u only get what u can handle (no one has called to ask the limit, they just keep piling shit on), yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah.  Yes I pray, I can only imagine the state of things if I didn't!(no offense to non-Christians) But all these self help gurus are making money telling me that somehow my negative thoughts/energy/bad bowels/experience with my parents-old lovers-friends-DH-kids-cat-work/bad time management/funky repro system/(add yours here) are making me sad/unmotivated and I am the only one who can change things. DUH. Now tell me how to do that since I can't go around town telling everyone EXACTLY how I feel about them and risk being called the crazy crying lady.  I honestly don't know what to do...commence crying.

Wouldn't It Be Nice...

If I could just tuck away all the horrible feelings in a nice package and throw them away and all the people that wish me ill will would all get stranded together on that funky "Lost" island and I win the lottery. To GS thanx for your support.

Self-Preservation

I can be really supportive to others but I am really hard on myself.  I'm just Ms. Gloom&Doom when it comes to me.  I can feel like shit but offer you unending kindness and help. But me, I go over why the situation occurred, how I could be to blame, what an awful person I am , you get the drift.  I need to find a way to allow myself a safe, soft rejuvinating space where I can take care of myself the way I would do for someone else experiencing all this grief, loss, fear, and pain.

What to do...

This morning I intended to post on how my procrastination project was going but now I am completely siderailed.  I just received a distressing update on a matter I will eventually discuss here.  Just please keep me in your thoughts. 

No More Procrastination

I'm going to be really productive in the upcoming weeks. Maybe by writing it down and putting it out there I'll stick to it. I have a huge to-do list and will complete it. It covers so many areas of my life. I will be better and those around me will definitely benefit.  I will keep u updated on my progress(I know u can't wait!)ha ha. I am also considering ICLW since I read and comment on your blogs anyway.  On a side note, the deacon from my church called. Is that a sign he read my last posts?lol

Big Chucky

I am in so much pain.  My tummy seems to enjoy reminding me there is no baby in there.  Upside? Really great pain meds! So excuse me in advance if this post has no real direction.  Someone I know is due/may have delivered.  I am angry that it's her and since I really don't like her wish she has the most painful delivery since Eve. It's my blog, I can be honest here. Before anyone sends me a comment, it's not about the baby.  She is a 100% honest to God HOMEWRECKER and I can't deal with her so may her chucky become like the humongous empty pit her soul is. And to anyone else who knows someone like this I'm taking a silent moment to grumble for you.
       I've been working and trying to hold my emotions at bay.  Sometimes others' joy is infectious, sometimes their joy is too much for me. I hope u can understand.

Just me venting...

I try to be a "good Christian" but I am far from perfect. I do have girls that make me insanely happy but I won't be posting too much about them here so I don't hurt anyone's feelings because I honestly support and love all of you ttc. Just like having a baby after a loss does not heal a loss (my son can't be replaced) my desire to have another child comes from a place in my heart filled with love.  I hurt and feel like my body has betrayed me.  My neighbor could care less and drops them out like tic-tacs (there's my good Christian stock dropping!) There is a 5 year gap between my youngest and the middle and my youngest is 9. Yes, DH is spiritual and believes it will happen, as a nurse I am conflicted because I know medically how it can realistically be accomplished.  Most of my family doesn't understand. Just like they pretend my 3 losses never happened.  DH gets me excited when AF is late and then I feel like I let him down, while Ms Tic-Tac stays home all day having babies by different daddies and watching tv or sittin on her step feeding the newborn I'm afraid to hold cuz I won't want to give her back while yellin at her other kids for leaning on her back to give her a hug while she's sitting there ( true story). PHEW! They're not lettin' me in the church this Sunday....

Remembrance Day

There isn't too much I really can say, WITHOUT crying.  I don't mean to discourage anyone with a recent loss but my son would have been a teenager and I still feel as if it was an hour ago that I had no choice in the matter. OOOOHHH I JUST WANNA YELL AND SCREAM GIVE HIM BACK, YOU'RE LYING, HE IS ALIVE YOU TOOK HIM,  JUST GIVE HIM BACK!!!!! I am sorry if you're upset but my baby is dead and I just want him back.

Where do I go from here...

It always happens like this for some reason.  Everything is going really well and then nada.  I've been going through the whole gamut of emotions. I want to always better the relationship I have with my girls.  I love them infinity times 100!!  Having another child and the emotions that go along with it for me fear, anxiety, longing and on and on don't get easier.  Would I want to do it as a single parent?  Do I have the time to devote and care for him/her because I have never been comfortable about daycare.  Running my businesses means the buck stops here.  That's how I feel about me being a mom, the buck stops here.  I am not going to want to have a babysitter.  Waiting and watching my lady parts not cooperating and eventually not having a glimmer of hope is also not an option.  That's for anyone who says work some more then have a baby, like it's that simple. Decisions that I do not take lightly. Sorry for   rambling.. U hang in there to.  Hugs and Kisses.

This can't only be a ttc blog..

....because my life is so much more than that right now for me.  I would love, love, love another little one. But with my businesses and the fact the DH is far from being darling and right now I'm gonna have to research how to see who's viewing this blog eventually.  I feel so alone for various reasons and hopefully I'll get one supportive commenter that will go along with me.  I want to share and be completely honest.  Anything else, what would be the point.  Stay tuned viewers.   To all those in the tww this cycle, I'm thinking of all of you and pray for a joyous outcome.

Stupid, stupid, stupid...

DH swears all this bloating is baby related.   If only that we were true.  I always gets swept up into his optimism even though I know better.

Here it is.....my first post.

Hello everyone.  I have been reading and following your blogs for a long time now.  I have supported you, laughed with you,  cried with you, and always pray for you.  You all have given me information, courage, and hope.  This is my first time blogging, so please bear with me as I get my feet wet.  Maybe I'll do one of those 30 day posts when I find the list of topics so I can do it correctly.  If someone would be so kind and leave me a comment with them?  In the meantime I'll tell you a little about myself.  I am an only child, actually I have a half-sister but only met her once so I was raised  alone.  My parents unfortunately are both deceased.  I like to think that they are watching over me + my family.  I have 3 very beautiful girls.  I had a little boy born at 24 weeks, but he was too small to stay.  I think about him and love him dearly and treasure of the precious time that I was able to care for him in my tummy.  I don't think that I will ever   "get over it"  as some thoughtless people say.  It makes me angry and sad that the rest of my family don't remember/acknowledge him.  I have also had ectopic pregnancies on both sides and although the docs say it's possible,  I haven't gotten pregnant in 8 years.  Surgery on my tubes or IVF are the two options that I really have.  DH is on board and always gets excited when AF is late.  His enthusiasm is contagious and I always start hoping maybe this is it.  Only for it not to be and then I feel horrible.  I gotta stop falling for the stupid tricks my body plays on me.   Wow, I intended this to be a short introduction!  What do I hope to gain from this blog?  I want information,  support,  new friends,  I want to help other women know that they are not alone and I'm out here praying, wishing and crossing everything I can so we can all be blessed by the children who we will adore more than anything.  We deserve it all!