Monday, November 15, 2010
This is not a T.V. show,
so my probs are not resolved in a neat 1/2 hr period with commercial breaks. I keep thinking of what are the things I can change. Attitude is at the forefront but like I've told u I am not a confrontational person and cussin everyone out (which I'd love to do and often dream about) isn't an option. So I've started a list (I heart lists) of tasks, communications, spells, u name it, that I will add to throughout the day. While I have been silent, not commenting (sorry) or posting, I still hurt. Any ideas u have are well appreciated and welcomed. I know I can't be the only person who wants their life to be better, so even if it is something u haven't done tell me anyway, it may help me. Please. OK, GreenS, so here goes some of the issues that twist my heart : my dad dying alone, my mom dying in my arms, the loss of my son and the lack of support to this day for him and my two misc, my eldest doesn't seem like she "needs" me anymore, the complex relationship with moms and daughters (even if u don't have babies yet tell me how u and ur mom deal), I am only talking to a third of my family, I need a fantastic pro-bono attorney for a difficult case if u r one or know one let me know, am I even worthy to deserve better?, the longing for another child and the pain that my body is failing me which turns into I am a horrible person. I don't want this post any longer so I'll stop here. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. These are just the tip of the iceberg and the issues I thought were more common and maybe u dealt with them and could shed some light. Thanx.
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Nope. Life isn't a TV show by any means. Some challenges we face can be solved in just a few minutes but there are many which take weeks, months, years and some that we can't ever quite get a good handle on...
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you've had more than your share of hurdles. Things that you've had to try and deal with without adequate support, particularly from those who should have been at your side.
Loss is not something with which I've had a great deal of personal experience. In my job, I deal with it all the time and I've witnessed the rainbow of emotional and psychological response at the scene of death. I can say that I am more than adept in providing what is required at that time but I would be lying if I could even begin to conquer what comes after that... That isn't to say my family and friends are all alive but the losses I have experienced have not been within the close circle. But if there is ever a thing that I am good at, it is listening/reading and of the things that trouble me, I find a certain theraputic advantage in teasing out the various elements in writing. It has not always been on public forum but useful nonetheless and hence, would encourage this for you.
Your eldest? How old? I think every relationship is different. I was born 11 years after my older sister and the environment in which I grew up was much different to hers. My parents were generally hugely over protective and as such I felt restricted very early in my teenage years. As soon as I left school, I moved out for a year and it was probably one of the best things that could have happened in terms of establishing myself as an independant person. While my mother always knows intuitively from suburbs away when something is wrong, I have always felt it is my Dad who knows me better. I think for me, what I really struggled with in regards to my mother was the constant imposition of her beliefs in the name of "protection", regardless of whether right or wrong. Something that continues to this day. Do every stop needing my mother? No. What changes is the dependance factor. As a child, it is a natural transition. For a parent it is a natural transition but seems to come with a sense of loss of purpose. It is a battle. The loss brings the desire to hold on tighter. Child feels smothered and fights this hold by putting in distance and responding with fiest. Snowball effect... Is there are a right way to do it? Don't know. Children get over confident. They still need protection. How do you learn to walk a tight rope with only 10 minutes to learn?
I don't really know if I've in anyway answered or assisted with that part but quite happy to delve a little further with specifics.
The longing for a child. My experience here is only a grain of sand compared with those like yourself. I became an angry person. I spat with frustration at those who dared to complain about pregnancy or their children. I felt clouded by misery...everyday... waiting for each minute and second to tick past towards the next step of conception, repeated cycle after cycle. Solution? Hypnotherapy. Very successful in letting go of it all and putting the wheels in motion for a new life... and turning it into one of those fairytale people who stop caring and fall pg. But had I not hit the hypno I would have destroyed my already broken self. :-(
You're not a horrible person. Your're struggling with more than a single person can deal with. All that grief, all that shattered hope, it is a large burden to bear.
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